Evan Marc Katz had an..interesting post today that I wanted to discuss here.
First, let me be clear. I think Evan has some very good things to say. I think he’s passionate about what he does. I agree with a lot of what he says. Take this for example:
This was the starting point of one of my more popular blog posts, “Why Men Don’t Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women.” It’s not that men don’t like smart, strong, successful women. We do. We don’t, however, like the negative qualities that often come with those positive traits. In that post, I used myself as an example of a smart, strong, successful guy who inadvertently alienated people with his honesty, his arrogance, his sarcasm, his impatience, etc. I simply posited what would seem to be empirically undeniable:
a) Just because you’re smart, strong, and successful doesn’t make you a great catch for everyone.
b) Good qualities often come with bad qualities.
c) What men value in a partner is often different from what women value in a partner.
I agree with all of this. I’ve said as much over and over again.
I also agree that a lot of single women – which is Evan’s primary demographic, which is why I’m using that as an example – aren’t crazy about being told that they might be doing something wrong when it comes to dating. I happen to think Evan gets away with it because he’s a man. See, a man – especially a married one – has quite a bit of sway over many women because of the importance many women place on male approval. Which means he can say things to them and get away with it. Things like this:
My happiest clients – doctors, lawyers, CEOs, etc – came to terms with the idea that dominant, assertive, difficult, “masculine” energy is not appealing to traditionally masculine men, and if they wanted to continue to always get their way at home, they’d be better off choosing an easygoing guy who will not fight with them. He may not make as much money. He may not be as charismatic. But he will be the one guy who lets everything roll off his back. Easygoing is one of most valuable and underrated traits in a partner (not just according to me, but according to studies on marriage). Who is a better long-term partner – the one who fights you, tooth and nail, on everything? Or the one whose default setting is “Yes”?
What I hear in this passage is, “If you want to be a bitch, find a pushover. Settle.” I don’t necessarily disagree with this advice. I’m just pointing out that he gets to say stuff like that because he’s a man. I don’t think Evan is aware of the fact that, just by being a man, he can pretty much tell these women anything and they’ll do it. I’ve argued with Evan plenty of times over the fact that, just by being a guy and by being married, he automatically has more cache with his audience. He always staunchly denied this, which told me he was missing out on something very crucial when it came to his target audience. That being that women are conditioned to please and he’s using that to his advantage. He brushes off the idea that some of his clients have been brainwashed, but there’s truth to that accusation, whether he realizes it or not.
These women read the same stuff that you read, but instead of assuming that I want to subjugate women (which couldn’t be further from the truth), they were open to the idea that they weren’t very effective in their dating and relationship decisions. Did any of them change their personalities? Not one bit. They are the exact same women they were when they came to me. All that changed was their choice in men.
Oh. So they settled? Okay. Thanks. Make no mistake about what he is saying here: he got them to settle. Again, I don’t necessarily disagree with what he’s saying. It’s that he’s dancing around just how these women found partners that bothers me. He did brainwash them to some degree. He may not have put them in a trance, but he did manage to use his influence as a man to change how they thought. He just isn’t admitting it, either because he’s not aware of it or because he knows how it will make him look .
I question if Evan is capable of telling the difference between a woman who is assertive and dominant and a woman who is abrasive and aggressive. To me, he seems to lump them both together and offers the two groups the same advice. As I have reassured people over and over, I happen to believe that most men aren’t intimidated by strong, assertive, successful, outspoken women. If that were the case, then there are a ton of men and women who are shit out of luck these days. In which case, maybe tailor the advice to each segment rather than conflating them, which is what it sounds like Evan is doing.
But here’s the real kicker to Evan’s post:
My wife is beautiful. My wife is smart. My wife is funny. My wife is kind and selfless and an incredible mom. But the reason I married her is because I can be myself around her. There are no lies in our relationship. She doesn’t take offense at things that aren’t inherently offensive. Let’s be honest here – not everyone is equal at all things. I am argumentative. I am short-tempered. I have a low sex drive. I like to talk about myself a lot. So if my wife were to say to me that she’s dated men who were less argumentative, more easygoing, had a higher sex drive, and were better listeners, is that an insult to me? Or is it simply a fact? And if we’ve been happily married for six years now, should that fact undermine our relationship? Should I pick a fight with her to tell her that she SHOULD think that I’m the best guy she’s ever met in every category? Or would it make more sense to assume that if she chose me over all other men, has borne me two children, and spends every waking moment making my life better that she probably loves me and respects me, even if she thinks I’m less than perfect?
All men want is to be accepted for who they are.
Oh. So basically Evan’s kind of like a lot of those assertive, dominant, insufferable women he advises to tone down their personalities or find somebody “easy going”?? Am I interpreting that correctly? Am I the only one who is reading between the lines of what he’s saying and taking “easy going” to mean “doesn’t challenge you and let’s you be an asshole”?
Am I also incorrect when I infer from Evan’s article that men can be overbearing and arrogant and self-absorbed, but women can’t? And that “masculine energy” (read=asshole) is acceptable in men, but frowned upon in women?
Finally, is Evan saying that men want to be accepted for who they are, and shouldn’t be expected to change, but women don’t have that luxury?
Mind you, I’m not disagreeing with the advice to tone down certain things or to seek more compliant partners. I’m criticizing the fact that that direction only seems to be given to women and that Evan appears completely unaware of the influence he holds over his female clients just by being a man.
Thoughts?
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