Name: Maria
Question: I recently read and article that said if the woman initiates any kind of contact with a guy that woman is chasing him. I have a guy friend, who I’m interested in, but have never opened up to about how I feel. He’ll initiate contact with me once in a while, like texting me to keep in touch or inviting me to lunch. Sometimes, I will initiate contact, too. Don’t you think that if the guy always initiates things, that he’s going to wonder if you’re even interested in him? Does chasing only apply to people dating ? Am I chasing my guy friend if I’m the one always inviting him or texting him? Some men are shy or lack confidence and don’t really go after the woman they’re really interested in, or is that just wishful thinking from me? And lastly, what is so wrong with the woman being a little more aggressive than the man?
Age: 33
To start, I think your guy friend’s intertest is mutual. I don’t know a lot of men that reach out to female friends just to talk. Sometimes the ambiguity of what exactly is going on between you and the other person can prevent one of them from taking things to the next level. I was friends with a man for many, many years and always sensed there was something between us, but didn’t wan t to disrupt the flow of our friendship by bringing it up. Sure enough, I was right. As I’ve mentioned before,. it’s not always black and white. If you think there’s something there – some kind of mutual attraction – there probably is. Where things get tricky is when you can’t tell if the interest is genuine or just something the other person is feigning because they’re bored or need attention. If this guy makes the effort to stay in touch beyond some basic bitch text, he’s probably interested.
Don’t you think that if the guy always initiates things, that he’s going to wonder if you’re even interested in him?
I think most men know that women believe a man should be the one to initiate, so they do it. However, that window of time is not open-ended. Eventually, the man is going to have to see some kind of initiative from the woman – usually in the form of sex – to keep making the effort. To put it plainly, guys will do most of the heavy lifting as long as they’re getting laid. That said, if you have to convince yourself that it’s okay to make the first move, take that as a warning sign. When a person has to rationalize a certain decision, it’s usually because they know in their gut something isn’t right. I’ll say once more that if you truly believe something is there, you’re probably right.
Am I chasing my guy friend if I’m the one always inviting him or texting him?
Yes. Absolutely you are chasing him if you always have to initiate, especially if he’s your friend. Women need to stop with the “But maybe he’s shy” excuse. That’s not a thing. If he’s not making a concerted effort to get your attention or stay in touch with you, he’s not interested.
I am not an advocate of women asking men out. I think women put themselves in very precarious positions by doing so. Why? Because I believe that men are only as interested as their options at the time. I believe most men are less discerning when it comes to dates and sex. Relationships not so much, but certainly when it comes to dates and sex. So what ends up happening is that many women assume that if a guy accepts an invitation that he’s interested and attracted to her. He might be, but I think for most men that attraction is multi-level. There’s the level of attraction required to go on a date; a level to have sex; and a level to commit, with the latter being the highest level. For many (not all!) women, I think, there’s just one level. That’s why many women are always asking men they meet online what they do for a living. They won’t even meet them for a drink without ensuring he’s financially stable. Guys? Guys don’t give a shit until things get to a point where they’re investing more than the woman.
And lastly, what is so wrong with the woman being a little more aggressive than the man?
Stop listening to friends that tell you that men are intimidated by strong/assertive/successful women. Most aren’t. That’s an excuse some women like to make because it sounds better than, “Men think I’m an obnoxious pain in the ass.”
Neither a man nor a woman should be aggressive in a relationship. Aggressive implies someone’s behavior is fueled by anger. However, there’s nothing wrong with a woman being more assertive. Nothing. In fact, I think more and more men are learning to appreciate a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it. If there’s one thing men can’t stand, it’s women that play games. They expect a certain level of hoop-jumping, but even that has its limits. Assertive women don’t have time for games. Either you’re in or you’re out. They let men know where they stand and what their boundaries are and let the guy decide if he wishes to proceed. That said, you should still do everything short of asking a man out. Let him do that for reasons I stated above. Your job is to put clear signals out there and let him take it from there.
Thoughts?
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