Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): beccaw
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Comment: I began dating a guy I met online about two months ago. We met, and I made the mistake of sleeping with him on date 2. We had discussed that we were going to move onwards and build on a friendship and see where it went. We have never defined the relationship from there. The course has been filled with dips and valleys. I give space, lots of it, and go on about my own dating life.
Time and distance is a huge factor for us. We usually have sex, watch TV, cuddle on the couch, drink coffee and talk every ten days or so (as often as the two of us can figure out the time for it); we hang out for hours after sex. I know everything about him, he opens up to me very easily and thoroughy. He says I am perfect, special, beautiful, sexy inside and out, he misses me and all the other stuff men can churn out; I never bought a word of it. He tells me constantly that he is happy with me and hasn’t been back to the site. I know this is true.
He asked me today if I went on the site and if I met anyone. I admitted I do and did, then he needed to know how many guys, what we do (dinner etc) and if I had made any connections. I admitted I hadn’t yet and joked that they can’t ALL sweep me off my feet. He then sat down, looked me in the eyes and said, “I wish I could spend more time with you, outside of the bedroom. I really like you, there, I said it, I blurted that right out. But with your lifestyle and mine, there never seems to be enough time.” (I am a homeschooling, swing shift working mom to a kid I have 50% of the time and we live an hour apart, maybe even 2 at bad times of traffic).
I backed out of the conversation before I went stupid and said “oh my yes, I will see you and only you” and feel like I screwed up by admitting I am seeing people. I feel like he NEEDS to know that I am not sleeping with any of them. I do admit that after he left I sent him a quick message that said “I forgot to mention, I like you, too” because in my confusion at his admission I left him hanging. I never pester text, so that will be it until he contacts me back.
What should I do? Wait and let it play out? Try some damage control by telling him I am not having sex with these guys? Is this going to make him run? I am not sure if we are FWB, or if it developed slowly into more unknown to me…and I will not sit around and let my dating life pass me by for a FWB.
Age: 47
City: Baltimore
State: MD
Ooookay. Does anybody remember when we spoke about how important it is to know when to stop talking? This is a great example.
Do I think you screwed up by telling him you were dating other people? Yes. Yes I do. I think this was a prefect example of why lying is necessary. You could say that you still had a profile up, since he knows that to be true. But that’s where your confessional should end. You don’t even have to lie. When he asked you if you were making connections you could say, “Not really.” Not a lie! So simple! Forget what you hear from people who say dating and intimacy and relationships is all about total honesty. That, too, is a big fat lie. Caring for someone means knowing what will hurt them and doing whatever you can to prevent you from doing that. The only time you should be totally honest in a situation like this (as opposed to every day situations) is to only come clean about things they can prove. If they can’t prove it, then lie your god damn face off.
From here on out, do not mention that conversation. It’s over. Do not dredge it up, do not justify or qualify your answers. What’s done is done. Keep it moving.
Now, let’s address your assertion that sleeping with him on the second date was a mistake. Consider this:
“I made the mistake of sleeping with her on the second date” – said no guy EVER. Have you ever heard a man question or justify why he had sex with someone? Probably not.
Men don’t berate or concern themselves with the idea that they had sex too soon, and neither should women. I’m not sure if you’re equating where you stand with this guy now with the fact that you slept with him on the second date or what. If so, don’t do that, as the two are not related. The sex likely has nothing to do with any of this, but it’s where many women go when they feel a guy slipping away. Cut that shit out, people.
You know why many women think that way? Because that’s what they hear from other women and weak men. As I skimmed through the comments of this post I was not in the least surprised to hear some of the things I heard. As usual in forums such as this, it was a bunch of policing and concern trolling and subversive digs and accusations. It’s no wonder why the more reasonable comments refuse to comment anymore. Between the simplistic nature of the feedback and the way people cling to antiquated stereotypes and gender roles, and the blatant sexism from men and women (“Oh, she only wanted him because HE WAS A DOCTOR!”) the comments have become toxic.
/end rant
It sounds like this guy wants more than an FWB. You’ve assured him that you would choose him.Do not bring up the earlier conversation. It’s over. Water under the bridge. You can’t take it back. Pretend that never happened.
Give it a few weeks and then tell him you’d like to see him and only him and see what he says.
