Name: Ashley
:
Question: Dear Moxie,
I am mulling over the decision to have a second date with this guy I recently met. I am feeling attracted to him, and because of that, I think it would be best if I asked someone for honest feedback on this situation. I asked him out on a date, and we met the other night. We met at a moderately priced bar that he chose. We talked for two hours over cocktails, beer, and appetizers. His tab was about $15 more than mine. When the check came we both put our cards down. The waiter took it and split it down the middle. Even though my tab was less he didn’t even say thank you to me. I drove him home after that, and he still no thank you for that. He wants another date, but I am feeling on the fence. Am I too picky for not wanting to date a cheapskate?
Age: 28
What about this scenario makes you think this guy is even interested in you?
- You had to ask him out. (Obvious sign he wasn’t interested.)
- He chose the location of the date. (Rude)
- Neither you nor he offered to pay the bill. (You asked him out, therefore the bill was your responsibility.)
- You drove him home. (Ugh.)
- He never even thanked you. (UGH!)
You’re not being picky enough. This is a no-brainer: stop pursuing this guy. This is a perfect example of why I am so opposed to women asking men out. A guy will accept such an invitation – even if he’s not interested – because there’s a potential to get laid or get a free meal.
“But but but…women do this too!”
Congratulations for arriving at that inevitable observation. Yes, women do this, too. The difference is the stakes involved. Will a woman accept an offer to dinner despite knowing she is not attracted to a man? Yes. Will she pretend to be interested in this guy so he’ll sleep with her? Not likely. Will a man feel used if he does sleep with a woman only to get ghosted? Probably not. The getting laid part will certainly help him get over the initial disappointment. At the very least, he got a return on his investment. On the flip side, thanks to years of being told we’re to blame whenever a man acts inappropriately, women will internalize the situation and beat themselves up for sleeping with a man only to be blown off. Yeah, a guy might be out $100, but he’s used to shelling out money on a first date knowing there might not be a second date. Women haven’t had the same level of grooming for such moments. A woman should ask a man out only if she is perfectly okay with the possibility that a guy might be insincere. If that’s the case, have at it.
If you meet someone online, let the person who sent the initial message be the one to initiate the date. Give the green-light by letting them know you’d be keen to meet, but let them make it official. If you’ve exchanged several (say more than 8-10 each) messages and there’s been no talk of meeting up, there’s a reason. People should be anxious to take things offline these days. Anybody prolonging that part of the process is dragging their feet. That should be an immediate red flag.
If a woman drops enough hints and a man is interested, he will ask her on a date. I’m not buying the shy excuse. Gone are the days when a man has to ask a woman out face-to-face. There are a myriad of ways to invite a woman for a drink that softens the potential sting of rejection.
Ashley, this guy took you up on your invitation because, eh, why not? He made literally zero effort to impress you or take your needs into consideration. You chauferred him to his doorstep after paying the lion’s share of the tab, a tab from a venue he chose. And let me guess, he didn’t send you a follow up text after the date to express his gratitude, either, right?
Gurl, check your standards and ditch this guy.
Thoughts?
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