Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): BringHimBack

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Comment: Just over 2 years ago, my boyfriend of 7 years (!) up and left me, and quickly married someone else.

I am still getting over it, but in the meantime, have met another guy who is very nice, warm and kind. We had been dating for 6 months when we went on a month-long vacation to Europe.

Originally when we spoke of going on vacation together, I asked if he was going to pay. In my mind, part of my ex BF’s lack of commitment was the fact that he didn’t pay for most things, and so a guy treating me is important to me.

Although my new BF always pays for our dates,and even picks up groceries now and then, he said no. I then told him I was a bit short of cash, so he said he’d charge the hotels. I assume that meant he isn’t expecting me to pay him back.

Anyhow, since I’ve made it clear I’m looking for marriage, it seemed clear to me that he’d propose in Europe, but he didn’t.

Once we got back he still didn’t propose, and since we’re both in our late 30s, I was a bit surprised as he can understand my fears, not to mention the pressure my parents are putting on me now 8 months in. Plus we already spend so much time together…

But this is his first long-term relationship so he said he needed a bit more time.

As a compromise, we decided to open a savings account together in which we’d each put a small sum of money, as a sign of our commitment for the future. After that I was sure the proposal was coming, but a month later when I asked him what’s going on, and reminded him that he’d promised me this relationship was serious, his response was “I never promised you anything”.

He then left me a week later. Just came to my apartment, took his stuff and left. A week later he sent a break up text saying he needed to rethink this relationship and we could talk in a few weeks. But it’s now been 3 months and no sign.

I don’t get it. Why would he go on a long vacation with me when he knew what I wanted? Or make attempts to prove seriousness if he was going to up and leave just two months after we got back?

Was he always planning on leaving or did I pressure him too much?

He was paying for all the dates, talked about his dreams, introduced me to his family, spent all his free time with me, shared his financial prospects, and took lots of pictures of me (which shows how proud he was to be with me). I in turn did all the cooking and cleaning,  gave him emotional security, and encouraged him to learn towards a degree. That all seems like some pretty serious commitment to me.

I’m sure I was the love of his life (before me no girl lasted more than a few weeks). I feel like maybe if I’d dropped the wedding pressure for another couple months he would have asked. Or maybe he was just scared by finally meeting the one. There’s simply nothing else that makes sense after all that we did for each other.

Do you think there’s any way we can work this out? I’m devastated by this.
Age: 37
City: Pittsburgh
State: Pennsylvania

Uh. I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for this guy to come back. The fact that two – count ‘em, two – men up and left you should tell you that you drive men to the brink with your expectations concerning money and marriage.

First off, pay your own god damn way on that trip. Who the hell do you think you are expecting this guy to shell out thousands for a trip to Europe??? You’re “low on cash?” Stay home. I was just having this very conversation with a friend about traveling with a man you’re dating. I would never in a million years expect someone to pay my way on a trip. You split the costs as best you can depending on what each of you make.

Once more I will point put how, when it comes to dating, all common and social decency goes out the window.  In no other instance would we expect anybody to foot any bill where we contributed to the amount owed. That’s a baffling sense of entitlement. But because it’s dating and dating encourages and perpetuates outdated gender roles, this grotesque brattiness continues to exist. Men pay for things because they know there’s a social expectation placed upon them to do so. Trust me when I tell you that they grit their teeth ever so slightly when they pull out their credit card and lay it down. But nothing will make them fill with contempt more than, as they make this gesture, the woman just sits back quietly and lets him do it. The expectation is one they have grown to accept. It’s the entitlement that makes them want to whip out a calculator and circle what the woman owes with a big red pen. Men are more than happy to pay for things when they know the woman appreciates it. It’s when they begin to feel like a walking ATM card do they become resentful.

There’s simply nothing else that makes sense after all that we did for each other.

Really? There’s nothing else that you think might have driven this guy away? Because I can think of one or two reasons. Such as  your utter lack of emotional maturity and your stunning capacity for self-absorption. Then there’s the fact that not once in this letter did you mention having any kind of feelings for this man. That’s extremely telling. You don’t say that you love him or even care for him deeply. It’s one long temper tantrum because you didn’t get what you wanted when you wanted it. This whole letter is about you and your fears and your expectations and what he promised you and all about how you like being treated. But, hey. You cook and clean. BHB, he can get a maid for that. That’s not why people get into relationships.

The only reason you’re “devastated” by this is because you’re that much further from your goal of getting married. Grow up, tell your parents to calm the fuck down and get off your back, and stop thinking everything is about you. Oh, and get a job that pays you enough where you have the right to expect to land a man who can pay your way through Europe.

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