Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Shay

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Comment: I’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time.  I’ve gotten very used to being single and also have found a lot of pride and enjoyment in being single and having the freedom and possibilities that being single allows.  However, being in my late 20’s, I know eventually I would like to get married (though I like to think I’d be happy if it doesn’t happen either), so I am trying online dating to see if I can meet anyone who is a good match.

The problem Im finding, is while I’ve met some nice, great guys, is I seem to get scared off quickly. Trying to find reasons not to continue and not to get ‘tied down’.  I question if someone else better might be out there and if guy X is me settling. They’re okay guys, decent guys, decently attractive – but I never feel like any passion is sparked in me, where I want to let go of being single, having the possibilities of meeting any guys in the future (though I rarely do, its more of the fantasy than losing an actual thing).  I guess my question is am I doing this wrong?  Should I be waiting for a guy who really lights my fire and then I’ll want to give up my freedom? Will I ever be able to pursue a relationship while not pining for what I might be missing?
Age: 28
City: Toronto
State: ON

I’ll say to you what my father always said to me whenever I would ask him if he thought I’d meet someone.

“Now, to answer a question you ask me most of the time to which I always say it is up to you if you find someone. My real answer is that I hope so before my time is up. I would ask God of nothing more than to see you happily married.

Some pics of my Dad to complete the picture. Someone asked me about my skin care regime and I told them it was just good genes. As you can see from the photos, I wasn’t exaggerating.

As my father often said, we can do whatever we want as long as we’re willing to work for it. That goes for jobs and goals as well as relationships. Right now, you don’t feel like working for it. And that’s okay. Maybe you’ll never want to make the concessions necessary to have a relationship. That’s okay, too.

You’re probably just not feeling any kind of pressure to pick a guy to settle down. Since you’re not in a rush, you’re ambivalent. There’s nothing wrong with actually enjoying your single life. You weren’t put here for the sole purpose of becoming someone’s wife or mother. I say enjoy your time unfettered. Just be very clear about your goals. If you want children, and really, truly desire a partnership with someone, then you will eventually have to get on that path. But this is where it’s crucial that you are honest with yourself. Do you want a relationship?  Do you want to be married? Do you want kids? If so, why? The time to figure all this out is now.

I don’t get any sense of urgency or certainty that you want to be married from your letter. You say you’d like to be married, but if that doesn’t happen, you’ll be okay with that, too. Maybe…you don’t want to be married?Maybe you just think you do because that’s what society and our peers tells us we’re supposed to want? Time to shut out that white noise and really look within and ask yourself what it is you truly want.

We’re getting to a place in society where it’s becoming more socially acceptable for a woman to decide that being a wife, partner, or mother isn’t really for her. So ask yourself if you are considering marriage an option because you think you’re supposed to. I know that’s how I felt. As you can tell from the snippet from my Dad’s letter that I posted, he certainly wanted me to get married. And I think, because of that, I thought I wanted to get married, too. As I commented a few years ago when he first passed, there was an incredible weight lifted off my shoulders when he died. No longer did I feel like I was adding to his sadness or worry by not being married. Once I truly confronted that fear and examined it, I realized that I really never was terribly motivated when it came to finding that elusive One. I wish I had had that clarity at 28 or even 38. It would have saved me a lot of angst.

I’m not going to get behind the idea that you should wait for a guy that flips all your switches. I certainly think you should hold out for someone who turns you on. But I’m cautious of advocating for waiting for fireworks and butterflies and all that jazz. That’s the stuff of fairy tales. We all want that meet cute scenario or light bulb moment when we meet that person and are thunderstruck by them. The problem is that that’s not always so realistic. Definitely wait for someone that gives you pause and makes you stop and think, “Wow, this person is really great.” But that moment might take some time to develop.  That’s the best I can offer.

When people talk about wanting butterflies on a first date, I almost swallow my eyeballs from rolling my eyes so hard. Sorry, but grow up. The only people who think like that are people who have very limited experience with relationships and dating. They’re still dating with the expectations of a young twentysomething.

For now, just enjoy your life and make sure not to shut yourself off to possibilities. That’s really all you can do. Stay open to it, and if you really want it, you’ll find it. I firmly believe that. It might happen at 30, or 40, or 50. Or it might never happen. Regardless of when or whether or not it ever happens, you’ll still be okay. Remember that.

This post reminds me of a song that I love. When I write, I have a specific playlist that I listen to that represents the various characters and plot points. The song that comes to mind when I read your letter is No Myth by Michael Penn.

So, she says it’s time she goes
but wanted to be sure I know
she hopes we can be friends
I think, yeah, I guess we can say I
but didn’t think to ask her why
she blocked her eyes and drew the curtains
with knots I’ve got yet to untie
what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it’s no myth
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with
See, it was just too soon to tell
and looking for some parallel
can be an endless game
We, we said goodbye before hello
my secrets she will never know
and if I dig a hole to China
I’ll catch the first junk to Soho
what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it’s no myth
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with
Sometime from now you’ll bow to pressure
some things in life you cannot measure by degrees
I’m between the poles and the equator
don’t send no private investigator to find me please
‘less he speaks Chinese
and can dance like Astaire overseas, OK
what if I was
so what if I was
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with.
what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it’s no myth
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with.

The song is about a man lamenting the fact that no matter how great he was, no matter what impressive traits and skills he possessed, no matter what he did to impress this woman he loved, none of it mattered because she just wasn’t in a place to settle down. If the object of our affection just isn’t ready to settle down, nothing we do is going to change that. They have to want to settle down.

Maybe, right now, you’re just looking for someone to dance with, Shay.

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