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An article over at The Frisky sparked an interesting discussion amongst me and a few girlfriends about finances and Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.feminism. The article discussed something that has actually become somewhat common these days: the author got married and, due to financial constraints, moved her new husband into the apartment she shared with her roommate. This is not unheard of. Not only do some newly married couples do this, but divorced couples also continue to live separate lives under one roof in order to save money, along with other reasons.

I don’t need to tell anybody that finding an apartment anywhere, let along New York City, is expensive and time consuming. This task becomes even more fraught with landmines when the couple isn’t on reasonably equal ground financially. Based on the details given in the article, she was originally paying $900 for her portion of the $1800 2 bedroom, 1 living room, 1 dining room apartment in Queens. When he moved in, he was able to contribute $600, making the split amongst the three even. Now, if she could afford $900 at one point, and he could afford $600, it seems to me like they could have found a modest one bedroom apartment somewhere. So I don’t necessarily buy the story being told. But then, I’m wicked suspicious and cynical, amirite? Critical thinking and analysis is sort of verboten on ladyblogs, you see. But I digress.

Part of the reason my family found itself in the situation we’re in regarding my father’s estate is because my father believed that it was the man who should handle the money. He was old school Sicilian. As progressive as he was about encouraging us to get an education and carve a career for ourselves and ask for what we want and never shy away from possible conflict, he was exceptionally old fashioned when it came to money. So much so that he kept the details of his estate extremely well hidden from his wife and family. Part of the reason, I believe, that he didn’t write a will is because he didn’t want my step-mother or us, his children, to know exactly what he had. The other bump that came about throughout this shit show of a situation is how we never learned the importance of having our names on properties and leases. As I’ve tried to explain time and again to my sister who lives in the condo that we’re trying to sell who expects us to pay for the fees and taxes because our names are now on the title and deed, when someone has a financial interest in your life, it provides them with a uncomfortable level of input in your choices. She flips out when I ask her how much money she makes and where it’s all going. She says it’s none of my business. Not true, I remind her. If I’m paying to keep a roof over your head, I have every right to ask what you’re doing with your money. That’s how it works when you take money from someone in a situation like this. You’re handing them ownership of your life to some degree. This was why I politely refused my father’s offer to buy me a place. He’d own me to some regard, and I didn’t like the thought of that. My life and home may not be glamorous, but it’s mine. Completely.

I would be uneasy going into any situation where everything wasn’t set up equally. 3 years ago, I never gave it a second thought. But now? I would want my name on everything and I would want all bills split as evenly as possible. I could probably tolerate a 60/40 split, but anymore than that and I would – admittedly – not see my partner as an equal. And, no, cooking and housekeeping and stuff like that doesn’t count. (Raising children, however, would. That’s a career in and of itself.) For me, it comes down to money.

In any case, the conversation that arose in my talks with friends to whom I sent the article linked above was about the societal expectation put on men to be the providers. The other point raised is that when the tables are turned, and it’s the woman who is the breadwinner, certain assumptions are made about her that would never be made about men. Furthermore, the judgments probably would come from other women. Which is why I tend to believe that a lot of women who were supporting her husband might be hesitant to let on about that. Whereas with most men, it’s assumed that he’s the one bringing home all the bacon. Nobody ever looks at those situations and thinks, “Wow. He’s a sucker.” It’s expected.

Yet, if a woman where to be the one supporting her husband, you can be sure that she’d be picked apart for it. The pressure to prove to other women that we can find a man who can support us can be intense. Unfairly so, in fact. As I write this, I’m recognizing my own internalized sexist attitudes about this subject.  This is one of those areas that a lot of women need to re-evaluate in order to further the greater cause. Myself included. I will freely admit that I would be one of those women side-eyeing the situation. But then, I also furrow my brow at a marriage where the man marries a woman who has little to no earning potential or career path. To me, the idea of marrying or somehow attaching yourself to somebody with an unstable financial situation or history is insane.

Those concerns stem from the disparity in my father and step-mother’s relationships with money. She could do what she did (disinherit my sisters and I and give all of my father’s estate to her sons)  because she didn’t earn it. She didn’t understand the history of it or where it came from, and didn’t appreciate that much of it was amassed by immigrants with barely a grammar school education who came to this country and built two successful businesses. (Breathe.) She also didn’t care that my father never let her in on their finances. (Hah. Their finances. Oh, that’s so cute. Eyeroll.) She didn’t mind being kept to some degree. And she thought nothing of stabbing him in the back the minute his back was turned. (Breeeeeeaaaathe.) All because she never had anything to do with how that money was saved and earned.

Any way, the topic I’m hoping to discuss here is how people really feel about the idea of a woman supporting a man. Women: would you do it? More importantly, would you admit it?

Now that I think of it, I think that while most men wouldn’t judge the woman for supporting the man, many men would cast aspersions on the man for letting her do so. So much of what is hammered into men and women’s heads about masculinity is derived from a man’s ability to earn a living and support his family. So, dear male readers, what opinions would you have of a man who was being financially carried by a woman?

Thoughts?

FEATURED ARTICLE:

http://www.thefrisky.com/2015-01-07/true-story-married-with-a-roommate/

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Image may be NSFW.
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Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.