Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Sammy

Comment: How do men decide to say no to a women they are so attracted to but are feel intimidated by her personality? In my experience men adore me until they know about my education, work and me being a single mom. They are so interested in me but the minute I leave I never hear back. I always feel that being honest is important. What am I doing wrong?
Age: 36
City: Boston
State: MA

I’m not with you on these dates so I can’t say what, if anything you’re doing wrong in regards to your approach or behavior. The one mistake I do think you’re making is believing that all of these men “adore” you.  Maybe they don’t actually adore? Maybe they’re just acting like they adore you because they’re trying to feed your ego? Maybe..they were never all that interested in the first place? That’s the first thing you need to consider. Many men know that one of the quicker ways to get what they want from a woman is to ply her with compliments and attention. (Actually, that’s how many men function, too. How about that?) It’s called greasing the wheels. I will bet that in at least a few of these cases, these guys were just looking for a quick hook-up and nothing more. Hence the effusive ego stroking. Now let’s get tot he meat of this question.

The myth that men are intimidated by well educated or successful women is another one of those dating tropes that needs to die.  The percentage of men actually intimidated by a woman with success is relatively small. The “he’s intimidated by my strength” nonsense is usually uttered by women who very well might be educated and assertive and successful, but are also probably brash and caustic.  Most guys have no problem dating women who are driven and ambitious and smart and outspoken. It’s all in how someone with those attributes presents themselves. A lot of men can get away with acting like abrasive assholes because women confuse that behavior for confidence. Women don’t get that luxury. We’re just bitches.  If men are telling you they’re intimidated, then that’s not a great sign. “Intimidated” in guy code means “Turned off.” So pay attention to cues and feedback like that.

Now, the single mom thing? Yeah, that might be an issue. We’ve discussed the drawbacks of dating single moms and dads before. There are definite hurdles to overcome that aren’t present in situations where both people are child-free.  Then there’s the concern many people (men and women) have about financially supporting someone else’s child. That’s another issue. As is the desire to have they’re own biological children. For a lot of men, being a step-parent before they’ve even had their own kids isn’t all that appealing.

If you’re meeting these men online, then you need to be upfront in your profile that you have children. It might also help to focus on dating men who have children of their own aka The Single Dad Crowd. In fact, I would suggest concentrating your efforts there.

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