Name: John Question: My divorce was finalized 12 months ago and now I am online dating for a couple of months. I am not looking for a casual hookup but something with LTR potential. Here is a scenario that happened with a woman I met.
She is 45, divorced and has 2 preteen kids. She lives about 30 minutes from me. She drives and has her own car. She doesn’t work since she is home all day and doing errands, taking kids places, etc. I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids but she is clearly not working and I get the impression she hasn’t in some time. She never mentioned anything about being laid off and she didnt mention anything about money being tight. So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about. But after 1 date, I didnt think it was appropriate to ask her about this.
Our first date we met for a drink and it ended with a good makeout session. It was a 4 hour date. On date #2 I went to her place to pick her up and we went to lunch. I had to be at work by 4pm hence, the lunch date.Her kids were at day camp. After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.
She said we would do it the next next night which was a Friday night (and presumably I would be condom ready). But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home. WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her. I dont even know her that well to the point that I dont even know what she does for a living so having sex seems like it is too soon for me.
It seems to me like she is looking for something casual. Since I am not, the ridiculous driving I had to do and not even knowing something as basic as to how she makes a living, made it seem too casual for what I am looking for.
I could have kept my mouth shut, do the roundtrip commute twice and had sex, but I felt like I was going through hoops. My best friend said I was nuts to pass up surefire sex on account of not wanting to jump through those hoops. So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?
I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids
So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about.
You know how she supports herself. Alimony. And? How is this in any way atypical for a divorced woman in your age range with children? What if she inherited money? Maybe she’s in the Mob. As long as she doesn’t try to leech off of you, I don’t see why this matters. You’re analyzing the innocuous things that ultimately don’t matter unless you plan on marrying her and merging your finances. The idea of a woman living off alimony really gets under men’s skin, doesn’t it? To some degree I get it, but it’s important to remember that women didn’t make invent divorce laws. And I swear to God, if anybody peeps up about how divorce laws and courts are biased in favor of women, I’ll lose it. Ask a woman whose been raped or who reported a man for domestic abuse how the courts treated her, then bitch to me. Stop cherry-picking. The whole system is flawed.
After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.
I don’t think you chose not to have sex because it seemed “too soon” or because you didn’t have a condom. Please. There’s a Duane Reade or CVS on every corner. If you wanted to have sex with her, you would have. Don’t use a lack of a condom as the excuse, because that’s bogus.
You didn’t have sex with her because you were intimidated in some way. This wasn’t about catching The AIDS or fearing that you’ll be overpowered and chopped up and put into a box under her bed. Her assertiveness as well as her casual attitude towards the sex is what threw you. Citing a lack of a condom and the “too soon” excuse is what people say because it sounds discerning and reasonable. The condom issue had nothing to do with it.
But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home.WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her.
Christ, I hate the both of you so hard right now. You, for judging her. Her, for making an unreasonable demand. She wants you to pick her up and drive her back because she wants to see just how far you’re willing to go for her, both literally and figuratively. She, like you, is justifying the sex. She needs you to “treat her like a lady” so she can screw with wild abandon. You could debate her on this and say it’s silly and needless. It won’t get you anywhere. You’re both struggling to adapt to a world where men are no longer (ugh) “the gatekeepers of commitment.” Now I hate myself for saying that.
So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?
I don’t know that I’d call your attitude towards this woman “picky.” Judgemental, maybe, but not picky. You liked her enough to go out with her again and went back to her home for a continuation of your previous make-out session. It’s as if you were ready to go until she turned things up to eleven. I don’t know that it’s dating in and of itself you’re not ready for just yet. More likely, it’s that you’re not comfortable with how women have changed. You don’t like not being in control.
More specifically, you don’t like sharing control with women. If you want to date in an age where feminism is now mainstream, you’re going to need to buckle up and let go of the reigns a bit. You’ll also need to dust off those sexist ideas you have about women’s sexuality and what they should and shouldn’t do. The tighter you hold on to those chauvinistic ideas the harder dating is going to be for you.
Thoughts?
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